The Outlier Paradox: Why We Follow Lives We Don’t Want
I recently heard an interesting idea on the Modern Wisdom podcast. The guest, American writer Rob Henderson, mentioned a fascinating paradox: everyday people spend a lot of time following influencers who live extreme lifestyles—yet most of us don’t actually want to live that way. That got me thinking: why are we so drawn to these extremes?
Normal vs. Skewed Distributions
In nature, society, and economics, many things follow a normal distribution—a bell curve where most outcomes fall near the average.
But influencer culture breaks this pattern. It creates a skewed distribution, where a few people receive most of the attention, money, and influence, while the rest get almost none.
This kind of skew isn’t limited to social media. It shows up in biology, where dominant alpha animals rise to the top, and in economics, where wealth is concentrated among a few. Societies often function the same way, with power held by a small elite.
Why Outliers Attract Us
In his book Zero to One, Peter Thiel talks about “power law economics”—where a small number of people or companies capture most of the success. Evolutionary psychology also helps explain our attraction to outliers. We have a “prestige bias,” meaning we’re naturally drawn to successful people because, historically, following them helped us survive.
It’s no surprise that on dating platforms, studies show that 80% of heterosexual women are attracted to just 20% of men.
Today, algorithms take advantage of this bias. They use what’s known as “visibility bias”—where platforms amplify extreme success and make it appear normal. This tricks us into thinking that being wildly successful is more common than it really is. Or, in the dating example, it can make people feel that only a handful of individuals are considered desirable. These systems further distort the bell curve.
Cognitive psychology adds another layer: the “contrast effect.” When we constantly see extreme lifestyles, our own ordinary lives seem dull by comparison. Influencer culture raises our expectations—and often leaves us feeling dissatisfied. Our everyday lives filled with running daily errands could seem to be extremely boring compared to the adventure-filled lives of influencers we follow on social media.
But there’s more: the influencer world often isn’t even real. Many of them simulate success. They rent luxury homes for photoshoots, buy followers, and meticulously curate a life that may not reflect their reality. We’re hooked not just on outliers—but on simulations of outliers. This is the influencer simulation effect: we compare our raw, messy lives to someone else’s filtered fantasy.
And it’s not accidental. Social media platforms are designed to exploit our psyche. Like that emotionally unavailable but irresistibly hot dating partner, they use intermittent reinforcement—small, unpredictable dopamine hits—that keep us pulling the lever, hoping for a win. The result? A gamified identity system where comparison becomes an addiction by design.
AI Multiplier: Democratization or Greater Inequality?
AI could change everything—but the real question is: will it level the playing field or make inequality worse?
Some believe AI can democratize skills that were once only available to elites. Open-source tools like TensorFlow and PyTorch have already helped many people learn and use AI. Lovable, Bolt, Supabase made english the universal programming language. This kind of access supports collaboration, innovation, and gives more people a seat at the table.
But in my opinion, it’s more likely that AI will increase inequality—especially if the most powerful tools remain controlled by just a few companies like OpenAI, Google DeepMind, Anthropic, Meta, Microsoft, Amazon, and Nvidia.
Ownership matters. Decentralized AI platforms could spread wealth and power more fairly. We got a glimpse of this with DAOs (Decentralized Autonomous Organizations) during the NFT boom in 2021–2022.
DAOs aimed to create a more equal, community-driven creator economy based on shared ownership and democratic control. A DAO, or Decentralized Autonomous Organization, is a type of organization that runs through smart contracts on a blockchain, allowing decisions to be made collectively by its members rather than by a central authority. This means creators and supporters can co-own projects, vote on key decisions, and share in the value they help generate.
The idea was exciting—but in practice, messy and inconsistent. Will AI follow the same path—starting with big dreams, but ending in new forms of monopoly?
There’s a historical parallel worth noting. In the Middle Ages, peasants worked land they didn’t own under the authority of feudal lords. In today’s world, we may be entering a kind of digital feudalism—where creators, freelancers, and workers operate on platforms controlled by tech giants. The land may now be data, and the hoe a keyboard, but the power structure is still unmistakably feudal.
And while we talk about AI automating jobs, a more curious development is underway: AI is becoming the influencer. Virtual creators with AI-generated personalities are already gaining millions of followers. What happens when we start comparing ourselves not just to fake humans, but to non-humans entirely?
Identity Crisis in an AI-Driven World
Yuval Noah Harari has warned that rapid technological change pushes people to reinvent their careers again and again—which can leave us feeling insecure. Constant change brings stress, anxiety, and identity confusion. Many begin to experience emotional instability, burnout, and a shaky sense of self.
AI may amplify these feelings. One study published in Nature found that AI adoption doesn’t directly cause burnout, but it significantly increases job stress—which often leads to it. People facing AI-related changes at work may feel emotionally drained, cynical, and unsure about their purpose.
I recently spoke with a friend who works in marketing at a Silicon Valley company. He told me he’s not sure he’ll still be in marketing in 3–5 years—not because he can’t do the work, but because he already feels more like a manager of AI tools than a creator.
Even those who still have their jobs may fear losing them. This creates uncertainty, low self-esteem, and ongoing identity struggles. When AI systems begin making more decisions than we do, our sense of control and self-worth can quickly erode.
Still, this disruption might open the door to something deeper. It could force us to reflect on who we are beyond our careers. Human qualities like empathy, creativity, and resilience—traits AI can’t easily copy—may become our most valuable assets.
There’s also a rising cultural pushback—a movement toward what some are calling “quiet power.” People are opting out of performance culture, choosing slow living, deep work, and smaller, offline communities. In this way, the pressure to be exceptional is being replaced by a desire to be present, real, and connected.
What Can We Do in a Skewed World?
Outliers will keep outlying. We’re not going back to the way things used to be. Here’s how to stay grounded and grow in a world obsessed with extremes:
Professionally: Use AI as a tool, get on the train. Focus on niche expertise and human-centered skills like empathy, storytelling, and critical judgement. Let your work reflect your values—not just optimization.
Physically: Stay grounded through movement. Practice yoga, meditate, spend time in nature, or simply move your body. These habits can support emotional regulation and long-term balance.
Mentally and Emotionally: Step away from the algorithm. Curate your input—less time on feeds showing hyper-success, more time in spaces that value depth, honesty, and community. Build strong, real relationships. Seek meaning from within—not just from likes, status, or comparisons.
Philosophically: Be aware of moral exhaustion. When everything becomes gamified—your career, your body, your self-expression—it’s easy to lose sight of what’s right, true, or good. Define your own compass.
In a world chasing outliers, being ordinary—and at peace with it—might be the new form of rebellion.
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